


Try Again

by ji_an_yi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, jeno needs love and affection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 21:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19185829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ji_an_yi/pseuds/ji_an_yi
Summary: He’s really tried his best, but nothing is working.





	Try Again

Nothing seems to be working.

 

He's tried so many different things. Medication after medication, they just don't seem to be doing the right thing. Aren't they supposed to make him feel _better_? He's been on Zoloft, Escitalopram, Citalopram, Amitriptyline, Mirtazapine, Bupropion, Trazodone, you name it. He's been getting treated for years now, _years_. But it's only getting worse. He doesn't know what else to do. He's been in therapy too. He's _still_ in therapy. It took a lot of convincing from his parents and friends to talk to a therapist about everything. He didn't want to open up to a complete stranger, but she seemed nice and understanding. He'd do anything for someone to listen to him. It worked for a couple months, but it just wasn't enough.

 

His friends are there for him most of the time. They're so supportive and he loves them very much. But those times when they're not there are the times he needs them most.

 

During those times, he texts them and texts them, even tries calling them, but none of them answer. It's rare though that that happens. But when it does, everything goes downhill.

 

How many times did he try to end it all? There's been at least three times this year. And there's been times before that too. He's only been hospitalised twice, though. He usually chickens out, not cutting too deep, not swallowing enough pills, not tying the knot the right way. His mom found him the first time. She walked into his room—without knocking—and saw her son slice into his arm with a pocket knife. She ran over and snatched the blade away, and she screamed and screamed and _screamed_ at him for doing something so stupid. He's never seen his mother cry so much before.

 

The second time, it was his friend, Donghyuck, who found him. Donghyuck was supposed to come over that night to sleep over, like he does every other weekend. He woke up during the night to go to the bathroom, but when he opened the bathroom door, he saw his friend laying on the floor, foaming from the mouth, an empty pill bottle next to him. That night, he was almost positive that he was going to die.

 

It's been a year and a half since something like that happened.

 

And right now, he thinks it's time to try again.

 

He's been so depressed lately, a lot more than usual too. His friends have noticed, and they're so worried about him. They've been messaging him 24/7, not that he minds. They call him after school too to see how he's doing. But today, he turned his phone off.

 

He's standing in front of the mirror, looking himself up and down, imagining what he'd look like if he was even the tiniest bit attractive. He's lost a lot of weight in the past few months. He's down to 50kg, an unhealthy weight for his height and age. But every time he eats, he wants to throw up. And the bags and dark circles under his eyes are so bad. He can't sleep very well, and when he does, he has nightmares. Don’t even mention all the scars on his arms and thighs.

 

He's hidden all of his pocket knives and blades in a box under his bed, along with all of the pills that didn't work out. His mother would never think to look there, since she's convinced that he's been doing so good (courteous of his therapist). He's good at hiding things from her.

 

He has something else hidden too.

 

He goes over to his closet and reaches for a small box in the bottom right corner, then sets it on the bed. There's a key to unlock it, but he threw the key away in hopes that it would keep him away from what's inside. But he _needs_ it. So he pries the box open with a screw driver. Once it's open, relief fills him. Thank God he still has it.

 

The gun only has one bullet in it. He made a promise to himself that if he ever used it, he better make it count. And he plans to keep that promise. He takes the gun out of the box and looks it over. He's a bit nervous. What if he misses? What if the bullet jams? What if he doesn't actually _die_? He shakes his head to calm his racing thoughts.

 

"I can do this."

 

He aims the gun at his temple.

 

"I can do this."

 

And adjusts his finger on the trigger.

 

"I can do this. I can do this. I can do this!"

 

He pep talks himself, building up the courage to blow his brains out. He has to get it over with. And he has to get it over with _now_.

 

He applies more pressure to the trigger, only seconds away from finally ending all of his suffering—

 

But someone grabs the gun from him. He spins around to come face to face with his friend, Jaemin. And that's all it took for Jeno to break down. He throws himself into Jaemin's arms and cries.

 

"Nana, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

 

Jaemin wraps his arms around Jeno's skinny body and holds him close.

 

"I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to do! I tried so hard to get better, I really did!" Jeno yells hysterically.

 

Jaemin sits him down on the bed and sets the gun on the floor.

 

"Jen, look at me." He says in a soft voice. "It's okay." He wipes Jeno's tears away with his thumbs and kisses his nose. "You're gonna be okay."

 

"But Nana—"

 

_"But nothing."_

 

Jaemin gently urges Jeno to lie down while he runs downstairs to get a glass of water. When he comes back up, he makes Jeno drink the whole thing. After the glass is set down on the night stand, Jaemin crawls into bed next to him and pulls the covers over them.

 

"I'm sorry." Comes a whisper from Jeno as he curls up into Jaemin's side.

 

"It'll be okay." Jaemin kisses his forehead. "You'll be okay." He cradles Jeno's head in his arms and tangles their legs together.

 

Jeno thinks that he isn't good enough to be treated with such care. He thinks that Jaemin is too good to be friends with someone like him. He thinks that he's a nuisance to be dealt with, that he's such a burden to his friends. He can't do anything right. He can't even properly _kill himself._ But Jaemin is whispering sweet nothings in his ear and telling him how amazing he is and how much all his friends and family would miss him if he were gone. Jeno wants to believe that what Jaemin is saying is true.

 

"Go to sleep, baby."

 

Jeno sniffles and sighs. The hand playing with his hair is comforting and Jaemin's body is so warm. So he closes his eyes and tries to sleep.

 

The last thing he hears before he drifts off is an "I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> in case no one’s told you today, you’re amazing and wonderful and deserve love and caring friends and family ♡ ♡ ♡


End file.
